Dear Life,

Yield point is the maximum amount of load a material can take before fracture and Elasticity is the ability of the material to regain former state of being after load has been removed. In any situation, if you are able to remove the load before the cracking and consequent snap, life will go back to it's former state of being.

But there are times, more often than not where you take it just that little too far. And by the time you realise, the damage has been done, y'know? Done, donna done. Wipe the blood off your hands and run. The damage has been done.

Fatigue is when the material is fractured before the yield point due to constant load that is applied. Or in simpler terms, everything has a shelf life. Basically, say you're really smart. You're not like the other idiots who go that one step too far, you know where the line stands. So every time you apply a force, you stop JUST before this imaginary red line. And in you're head you think you think you're genius. What you don't know is that a point will come where it won't be able to take it any more and it will snap prematurely. So, again. Done, donna done. Wipe the blood off your hands and run. The damage has been done.

Recently I have faced two very similar situations, both of them involving women screwing me over. And I felt like a beam, if you may. A dark brownish, polished teak beam supported at it's two ends. In mechanics, it's referred to as a simply supported beam. God, I really wish it was simple. With you, I think it is safe to refer to it as a fucking complicated, mid air suspended beam.

So, I am a beam. A beam with emotions. A beam who is confused when it feels new emotions. I feel anger. I am furious. And it's an emotion that is completely alien to me. I don't know what to do with it. And I just know. I know I am so close to breaking. I just need that little more and Kaboom, I will explode.

I should have exploded a long time ago. I keep telling myself, Oh suck it up big boy, you can take just a little bit more, right? But this time I'm fatigued. I'm going to break before I'm expected. And when I do, just please don't say I didn't warn you.

You probably won't know I've broken though. I'm not one to make a huge racket. It's when you come to load me once more with your utter bullshit and I won't take it anymore, and you wont have any support, you will realize I am gone. So, just please. Tread carefully for a while and give me time to heal.

Thanking you,
Fucked up beam.

I lie atop a hill, stretch my arms out, press my legs together and smile inwardly, marvelling at the prefect contours of a perfectly streamlined machine. With the comfort of a bulging stomach to cushion my fall, I press the imposing red button in my head and prepare for flight.

 Altitude 20 metres, temperature 22 degrees, fasten your seat belts ladies and gentleman and prepare for landing. Descending, 1,2,3. Ouch. I cocoon myself in layers laughter, it is my protection from the world that has enveloped me. I'm not ready to break out and yet my hysteria is short lived. 

I climb back up in silence. It takes hours, and by the time I reach I'm drenched. Perhaps it's the sweat induced by the harsh sun that beats or perhaps, tears of the sorrows that weigh me down? Uncertainty grips me as I prepare for flight once more. 

And so, there we go again! Hahaha. Smiles and laughter. Jack and Jill went up the hill and came rolling down with laughter? Wait, that's not right. Or? I don't know. Uncertainty, It's everywhere. Shh. Enjoy the ride, yaar. Roll, roll, roll. Haha. 

And, with that I hit rock bottom. But, everything is uncertain. Can I go further down still? The highs are always well defined, it's how low you can go that you never know. It's all a hill, isn't it? In this silence, ignorance is almost wondrous.

Questions surround my existence. Hope this is as low as it gets.